Understanding is at the root of love
“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. ”
Love — it all starts and ends here, doesn't it?
I honestly used to think that I had love figured out. I viewed love in the same way that I viewed any other undertaking; love was a skill, and with practice, I could improve at it. Consistently express care, communicate honestly, never go to bed angry. I was convinced this was enough.
In hindsight, my philosophy on love was partially right but also partially wrong. After the end of a 7-year relationship, I was forced to re-learn what it means to engage with love.
The gap, I realize now, was that I knew how to love in the form of action, but not love in the form of surrender.
Love in the form of surrender means to understand someone in their fullness of being. It means laying down any desire to have someone change for you and either wholeheartedly accept them as they are, or have the character to walk away.
In "How to Love", Thích Nhất Hạnh wrote:
"Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.”
While it's easy for me to pen in simple paragraphs now, I have pages upon pages in my journal of me warring with myself over coming to terms with this simple truth. And it applies to loving others just as much as it applies to my journey of learning how to love myself.
The consequence of loving without understanding is that someone might just believe that they themselves are flawed, rather than questioning if the "love" they are receiving is in itself flawed. Love is truly so complex.
We are all susceptible to giving and believing in this twisted version of love because we grow up with these grand idealizations of what finding romantic love or starting a family will mean for us. And we go our entire lives seeking this experience of unconditional love, yet we are absolute fools at knowing how to properly give love without tying it back to our own ego.
Even as I try to learn, I realize that I’m no exception. But the best that I can do is reflect on how I’ve loved and how I’ve been loved across all contexts (in romance, with family, with friends), then try and try again.
What I know now is that love void of understanding, in its most basic form, ultimately communicates:
"I do [disliked thing] because I love you."
"People that love each other do [disliked thing] for each other."
"My identity is predicated on my ability to love you."
"You should be grateful for my love."
Making sacrifices for someone you love is inevitable in any relationship. However, is that action tied to growing resentment? a feeling of obligation? a transactional experience? These are important distinctions.
Loving someone by first taking the time to understand them looks like:
Asking what their values are, honoring those values within the relationship, and never creating ultimatums for them to compromise their values in the name of "love".
Asking how they prefer to give and receive love, rather than loving in the way that feels most convenient or righteous for you.
In times of need, asking if they need emotional support, intellectual analysis, straightforward advice, or just physical presence, rather than immediately trying to "solve" them in the way that you want.
My friend Vidhika put it so plainly and beautifully:
"Love is when you want someone else’s growth in the ways they want to grow, regardless of what it means for you."
These words encapsulate so much of what this year has taught me.
To another year of loving better.
— Katrina
