There is no glory in martyrdom

“If taking care of yourself means letting someone down, then let someone down.” — Steven Bartlett

2020 is the year that I finally learned how to take less responsibility over other people's emotions. As someone who, by default, often feels the emotional impact on others first before the actual emotional impact within myself, this was a difficult lesson to put into practice.

Being empathetic, at its best, allows me to deeply connect with the human experience and gives me the ability to pick up on people's emotional needs on a very intuitive level. I recognize this is a unique strength and I wouldn't trade it for any other skill.

However, being overly empathetic, at its worst, can lead me to spiral into neurotically stressing over infinitesimal moments of discord, and remediating or imagining conflicts that either have nothing to do with me or simply don't exist. It can also make me blind to being able to problem solve more efficiently when the emotional environment needs to take a backseat to clear, honest, and straightforward communication.

The biggest lesson of the year for me (thank you Crystal) was realizing that it's actually quite egotistical to overstate the weight of my emotional impact on others, or to think of others as unable to handle my honesty or rejection. It's egotistical to be indecisive and go down this woeful rabbit hole of dramatic agony about how I'm a "bad person" when all the other person wants is a forthright answer.

My coach (thank you Nadia) helped me to see that my relationship with "no" goes both ways; that my discomfort with saying "no" is tied to my discomfort with receiving "no". My struggle with holding space for negative emotions in others mirrors my struggle with holding space for negative emotions within myself.

I've finally internalized that there is no glory in martyrdom. I realize now that people don't need my sacrifice, because it's an unsustainable practice that eventually breeds resentment. Instead, what's needed is my ability to self-advocate, set boundaries, and be emotionally honest. This is the starting point of healthier and happier relationships between me and my loved ones across all contexts.

Some questions that have helped me set better emotional boundaries:

  • How do I actually feel about this situation, however mild that emotion may be?

  • Am I trying to make others feel better in an attempt to indirectly make myself feel better?

  • Do I acknowledge that honoring my own values, goals, needs, and desires are of equal importance in any relationship?

  • Am I avoiding rejecting others because I’m trying to avoid their rejection?

  • Where are this person's emotions coming from? What do their emotions have to do with me?

  • Am I in a place to give sustainably without it turning into resentment? If not, how do I need to take care of myself first so that I can get there?

At the end of the day, the most important thing for me to remember is that protecting my own peace and happiness is the work that only I can do. No one else can be held responsible for this.

To better boundaries.

— Katrina

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Understanding is at the root of love